Thursday, July 6, 2017

Telling My Story

"And that's how this story starts - with the humble goal of seeming competent and not too annoying. Like most women I know, I ultimately want to be likable and trustworthy - as well as glamorous - but it's important to take baby steps."
- Alyssa Mastromonaco, Who Thought This Was a Good Idea?

Here's the thing y'all - I think about blogging a lot. My head swirls with the beginnings of posts and best of intentions when it comes to writing, and then, well, I clearly don't. 

My elementary school aspirations were to be an author, and along the way, I clearly found other career paths, but that piece of me has always remained.

I started blogging more publicly for lots of reasons, but above all else, it was to start actually using and listening to my own voice. I've kind of forgotten how to do that.

Part of that means I've been overthinking blogging and writing for the wrong reasons. I'm writing for others and not for myself. Instead of making this little corner of the internet my own, I've set my sights on comparing myself to all the other corners. And here my poor little blog has set gathering dust. I also wish I could tell you that it was just my blog where I navigate this, but it's sort of everywhere.

June was a weird month. Professionally, it was one of the very best I have ever had which also translated into personal happiness. I received pretty incredible acclaim for the work I've been doing (and love), and I actually was able to revel and enjoy that recognition, as well as get in some quality time with my co-workers who I do adore.

However, my reading tells another story. For those who don't know, I track my mental health by the number of books I read. When my book count is down, my mental health is, too. Most weeks, I read at least two books. For the month of June, I read two total.

Seeing my reading come to a halt caused me to take a hard look at what was happening. And you know what it was?  I'd shut out my own voice. I was giving my attention to lots of things, but I wasn't truly present in lots of ways.

I've been so focused on writing to garner likes and views from others (seriously, I'm not ashamed to name that Pavlovian response sucked me in) that this space stopped being any good for me. I failed to see the posts here that people have loved and responded to the most are the ones I wrote in the late night hours (it's actually just before midnight now) when I was at my best (#collegescheduleforever) and sharing what I needed to share for me and no one else.

I read a book this week that rocked my world - Alyssa Mastromonaco's memoir Who Thought This Was A Good Idea? And Other Questions You Should Have to Ask When You Work in the White House. I literally laughed, ugly cried, and just loved it all. However, above all else, it gave me that little nudge to say, "Hey, write whatever the heck you want. You do you, and it'll be okay." 

So, this is my public declaration to say I'm giving this another go.  See you around here soon-ish.