Thursday, May 9, 2019

Flipping the Camera

Recently, I spent some time going through two years of pictures I'd stored in a cloud. This wasn't a fun reorganizing project, rather it was out of necessity for being over the storage limit. 

However, said project was some kind of life lesson that I was definitely not expecting, but so, so needed.

You see, as I went through the pictures from roughly November 2014 to the end of 2016, I saw something in contrast to what I see now.

Y'all, this was a tough one.

For about the last year or so, I stopped being in the pictures myself.

Along the way I started focusing my pictures more and more on the "stuff" in my life. Sure, it's great that I share all those books I read, things I create and places I go, and I don't plan to stop. But in between all of that, I haven't been taking the time to share my own story through me for some time.

There are lots of reason that's grown to be the case. And even though this is a blog where I often share stuff within the deep, dark places of my mind and body, that's not stuff I want to share in detail today. 

What I will say is this - I lost control of the narrative. I told myself that I needed to have one kind of story, and because that wasn't where mine was right now, I just didn't take the time to share much of anything about me. I know, I know, we don't even have to share anything on social media because that's also an issue. But the filters I've been choosing are almost worse than sharing nothing. I've written a story that left the main character out. 

I've been sitting and reflecting on this for a week now as I do. This post has been bubbling, but I wasn't quite ready to share it. However, last night as my husband and I chatted about our days, I had a moment of clarity to explain all these pieces. 

I told him the only thing I had control over was how I took care of me. I am so easily wrapped up into the components out of my control that the ones I actually can control never get the attention they deserve. This is a problem I've had since the beginning of my time on the planet, but I'm working on making a change. I have had the power to flip the camera all along, and I need to just take the time to do it.

I don't want to look back on the memories of these days and just see all the stuff I saw. I want to be centered in the story. This is, after all, the only story I've got. Is it what I expected? Not so much. Is it what I want? It's getting there. Is it worth the adventure? Always.

I'm taking that first step and stepping in front of the camera here.

This is me most mornings - Leggings, t-shirt and a cardigan. Behind me is the comforter from an unmade bed because most mornings it is. Oh, and there's the laundry I need to put away, but at least it's nicely folded?

Here's me drinking coffee. My hair's a bit of a mess, and even the picture is a little messy. But that's where I'm at as I settle into my day, and now you can see that life, too.

See y'all (literally) soon.