Tuesday, August 18, 2020

Some Days Are Just Hard.

So, truth be told, I never meant for this to be only a book blog. I thought I'd write some posts about life as well. In 2020, I have yet to write one post that was about me.

Since all of "this" began, I've been very mindful to not call anything a learning experience. For me, there are no lessons to be learned in all of this. Because, y'all, some days are just hard. 

Today is one of those days. 

I will spare you the list of reasons why today is that kind of day, but I'm a ball of anger and frustration and sadness and grief and anxiety and mess. 

I type that here because I'm letting today win. I'm naming that this isn't my day, and that's okay. It's really, really okay. Even though I really don't dig the feels I'm feeling today, it's okay because this is normal.

I'm not typing this to arrive at some lesson. There is no inspirational quote that digs me out of this. I'll say it again - Today. Is. A. Hard. Day.

Letting myself have bad days is hard. I want to fix, I want to filter, and I want to move forward. But there's a strange freedom in acknowledging I can't. 

Much of the last six months have been about giving myself grace. I've given myself grace that I don't have all the answers. I've reminded myself I am not in control. Honestly, much of my life has been a quest for control, for predictability, and for answers. It's how I best mismanage my anxiety! I would never have thought it would take a global pandemic to solidify these healthier practices in myself, but here we are.

Independent of all of "this" I'll be real that other hard things have happened in this time and space. While the big world has kept spinning, so have the happenings in my little world, and once again, that has meant hard days. 

Some days I cry for no particular reason, and others I cry because I am navigating some stuff - some really, really hard stuff. Yes, there are days I laugh, too, and days I find joy. I'm not sure what the ratios are, and I'm certainly not going to track, but all of these kind of days have happened.

As I was sitting here typing tonight, I thought about Angus. As in the mid-nineties teen comedy. I think about this scene a lot on hard days because I feel these feels. I share it with you now because a kid in a plum tuxedo being verbally and physically attacked by James Van Der Beek just gets me right now.

Naming hard days is a big step for me. In a world built on comparison, it's not always easy for me to be the one to paint the not so perfect picture of how I'm doing. I wanted today to better, but it wasn't. And I'll say it once more - That's okay. 

As I said, I didn't start this to arrive at any point. I just felt like putting out into my little universe that today was a hard day. The reality is tomorrow could be one, too. And if it is, I'll do my best to get through. Because if nothing else, I'm still here.